-Susie Q –
In a writing workshop we wrote on the prompts of what do I see and what am I thinking and for our Salon, we wrote on the daunting topic of “Now What.” I mashed those pieces together because they illustrate the anxieties that I have rolling through my head very well. Oh, and sometimes I use words like fuck or shit or butthole. It’s not meant to offend and washing my mouth out with soap didn’t make me stop. I promise not to overuse them, I use them to create a bridge from your mind, dear reader, into my chaotic brain space.
I am thinking that I wish I didn’t think about jobs and money so much. I am thinking that I wish I didn’t get angsty and reactive. I am thinking that as a yoga teacher, I should not be comparing myself so much to the people sitting around me. I am thinking that each of us is fighting our own war, dealing with our pain, experiencing our own lives and feeling as though everyone else is looking at us thinking, “Get your shit together.” I’m also wondering what the fuck I am doing? I vacillate between too much work and the anxiety over not enough. And, here is the point where I start doing math on what life currently costs me and then I get even more angsty. It seems as though I am looking at this winter as being full of darkness and feeling stressed and lonely. Trying not judging myself over these anxieties feels impossible, and so does relaxing.
I need a major attitude adjustment to make it through this winter of discontent.
Instead of dwelling on my anxieties, I’m digging deeper and cultivating some positive thoughts. I’m thinking about how the steps I have taken in my life have created the circumstances that have led to this unique shape that my life has taken. I am enjoying the simple, pleasant things. Hanging out with my dogs. Running. Drinking coffee. Writing. Doing things that help me feel calm, clear, and creative.
I am thinking that it is just fine to be anxious sometimes as long as I am honest with myself about where I am in this moment.
So, we were given the prompt in a writing workshop that asked “What are you looking at?” and while our first prompt for this blog is titled “And now what!?” I think this one accomplished the targeted goal because, right then I was thinking, “now what do I do with myself?”
(To clarify, we often hand write our blogs first, then type them out for editing and publishing purposes.)
“Now what . . . ?”
“So now what?” I keep wondering, which is strange to me because I have spent so much of my time being busy, working, organizing, rushing from place to place. But now? Now I feel adrift. I am spending time examining each word – the ones I say, the ones I write, and most, most often, the ones I think. I am noticing the gaps between places and the places where things meet, and I am wondering about everything all the time because I feel that I left a place of meeting and stepped into a gap. That gap turned out to be wider than I thought, so now as I am looking around, I get dizzy, or I feel lost, and it makes me want to chart a new course . . . but where? Which way do I go?
“So now what?” is where I am . . . looking for answers – though I have to say, I’ve been alive long enough to know better, to know that it’s not in the finding but rather in the searching . . . in asking the questions. I am noticing how I hold pens and write slowly because I realize it slows my racing mind – and I find comfort there – in the gaps I’ve created by slowing down. In those gaps, I have begun to see, feel, and hear parts of myself I must have lost, or let go. I didn’t know it, though. I didn’t know I was not full – or at least not full of these things that seem to fill me with . . . well, I’m not sure, but it is nice, so I’m going to keep on with it. So, maybe I will continue to ask “So now what?” And I will keep looking in the these gaps. Maybe that is my, “now what.”